Dating is for people who are bored with their lives

Dude I was supposed to go on a date with hasn’t called in three, count ‘em three days. Maybe he died. Maybe his phone fell off the Golden Gate bridge. OH WAIT. He has my email address. So, he’s just inconsiderate. Perfect.

My co-worker deleted his number from my phone for me last night. “Drop him," he said.

Moral of the story: Dating is stupid and I am un-bored with my life. If love wants me, love can find me in the I-Am-Not-Desperate aisle.

Love, definitely

The Holidays.

A time for merry, jolly, Santa, spiked eggnog, dealing with our annoying but loving families, too much baked goods, homes smelling like cranberries and turkey....goodness all around.

It's also gotten considerably colder these last couple of weeks.  I'm usually not a cold-weather complainer.  I love coats and scarves and gloves, so this time of year was really made for someone like me.  Lately though, as I have opened my heart to the POSSIBILITY of "finding someone", "falling in love" (etc), I've realized that beautiful leather gloves are no longer enough to keep me warm.

I've been unattached for a few years now. Life had other plans for me and in the beginning it was torturous after spending the previous five years before THAT, attached.  I met someone a few weeks ago and sparks were everywhere. Three and four hour conversations and favorite music file transfers were shared.  There was something there, under the newness and unfamiliarity of two strangers possibly sharing the upcoming holidays together.

Something happened, not really sure what, and we've stopped talking.  I haven't heard from this Very Cool Dude in a while.  Maybe the seriousness of what we could possibly have together got to him, and he ran.  Commitment is such a scary, scary thing when you aren't sure.  I get it. I'm hurt, but I get it. I understand.

Regret is such a silly time waster.  I am unafraid of pain so long as it gives me a lesson in return.  I have zero regrets because what I learned is to keep my heart wide open, always. For love and more love.  That's all there is in life...love. I mean, there's heartbreak and there's death and bills and all that awful stuff...but in reality, what all the scary things bring us closer to is love.  I am unafraid of love and I am unafraid of pain.  I want both because they bring me closer to myself, and ultimately, others.  And maybe even someone else who will love this warm, Holiday-loving heart of mine. 

“Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion’s starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don’t see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often, it’s not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it’s always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know, none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I’ve got a sneaking suspicion… love actually is all around.”

Becoming impossible to ignore

When you get really clear and honest about what you want, everything in the universe conspires to help you get it.

Lately I've been wanting to get away.  Get out and only come back during the Holidays or someone's birthday.  I have a heart that is in constant transit.  I'm not happy if I'm in the same place for too long, doing the same things for too long.  I need changes of scenery and the open road.   I get real happy when I'm on a train, headed somewhere.

I've had these feelings for as long as I can remember. I've always wanted to see the world and live abroad.  My family thinks I'm nuts.  None of them have ever left the city everyone was born in except for my Grandfather.  My entire family is situated in one place on Earth and leaving it for a new zip code has never really crossed any of their minds.  They are happy here, content being around familiarity and family.  Needless to say I'm the black sheep, the oddball, the "different" one.  I've wanted to move away since I was 12 years old and fell in love with The Babysitter's Club. They lived on the East Coast! With real seasons!   This urge to see foreign worlds has been growing and growing in me for a long, long time.

I used to think that this fervent need for newness meant that I was trying to escape something.  And for a long time, it did.  I used to run from problems, relationships, jobs, bills, etc...when it all become too much, I'd hitch a ride somewhere, buy a train ticket, fill my gas tank and just GO. It was liberating and in some way, I felt like I was doing the right thing for the time being.  I was doing what was necessary to get me through the hardships.  Running away was what got me through.

But lately I have these feelings of wanting/needing to travel, to get out and just go go go not to escape, but to see.  I've had travel-oriented dreams for the last week.  During slumber I've been to London, NYC, and some remote village off the coast of somewhere with a friend urging me to "travel more".  I get it, Universe!  But I need help...

I have this little job that I am so grateful for in this shady economy. It's hard because as grateful as I am for my job, it's not what I want to be doing.  I have a deep understanding that this is what I need to be doing for right now but how long is right now?  Another month? A year from now? Five years?...
I get scared because so many people settle.  So many people have dreams that get forgotten for the sake of comfort.  I settled once, many moons ago and it brought me down a path that I've only recently steered completely away from.  I know how to make better, smarter choices now but when this urge for change comes up, it's a tough feeling to quiet.  And then I think, "Why quiet it?"  It's making itself known for a reason...why ignore it?

I am beyond confused and perplexed. 

Whenever I am confused I ask myself what I know for sure, just to clear the way in my mind and hopefully gain some direction.

What I know for sure is this:

1. I need to travel.
2. I need a change of scenery immediately.
3. I need the open road, a plane or train ticket.
4. Settling is out of the question.
5. I will be smart about this.


Universe, I'm looking to you for ultimate, supreme, perfect guidance...
BECAUSE I FEEL IMPATIENT AS FUCK.

Reminder

I want to fall in love so bad.  I want nothing more, it seems, lately than to hold someone’s hand as I fall asleep. And etc. All those lovely romantic things that I would need to get used to all over again…

But, I’m not going to make my entire world become about this person.  I’m not going to change for anyone.  I have my own life & my own dreams. I was an individual person when I met you & that is how I’ll remain.

I had a dream I was rollerblading in San Francisco and/or NYC

And this is what that means:


To dream that you are on roller blades, suggests that you are moving rapidly through life with tremendous ease and determination. You are experiencing a sense of liberation and freedom.


Awesome + true.

Why he's a contender...

Very cool dude: i tend to be relentlessly positive

Me: that...is so refreshing

Dude: it helps

Me: i feel like the majority of people are super emo these days

Very cool dude, sealing the deal: i mean i still cut myself but...
 
Me, swooning: hahahahahhahaah

j'etaime

All of a sudden I have zero time to blog.
And I just thought I would blog to tell all you pretty souls that.

HI.
I went to see the midnight showing of New Moon yesterday (subpar at best, and this is coming from a self-professed Twi-Hard) and had to be awake for work at 6am.

I'm tired. But so so happy.  I think mostly I'm just so completely grateful to be employed, that I'm totally rocking out extra hard at work.  I love my job.  Who the hell loves working retail?? Me, apparently. I won't be doing this for the rest of my life, but for right now, this is the perfect job for me.  My co-workers are amazingly helpful and friendly.  My managers are all sincere and they really take the time to get to know their employees.  And they like me! They really, really like me! Today I received two compliments from two different managers.  I feel like it's a community, a family and...I will shut up now because this is getting uber cheesy...

Anyway. My Grandmother gets put to rest sometime next week.  My cousin saw her in their home, sitting in her rocking chair.  She smiled at him and waved, and when he looked again, she was gone.  She's okay now, and I'm grateful. I won't be able to go to the funeral which bums me out, but her spirit and my spirit are forever intertwined.  I talk to her often.

I don't know if this feeling is accomplishment, happiness, joy, contentment, or some awesome concoction of all good feelings that exist. I just know that I could get really used to this.

I'm happy.